The Good Life

Doing things a little differently, living a little better.

Sure you’re not early? Pretty sure.

Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you of a little tardiness issue I have. Someone once told me they suspected I would be late for my own funeral – stranger things have happened, right? It isn’t for lack of hurrying to get ready to go or waking up too late – I am simply not designed to be on time for anything. I am perpetually 5-7 minutes late for work, school, social gatherings – anything that has even the vaguest sense of a schedule or expected time of arrival, I can find a way to be late for. Advice for my friends and family – here’s a situation that plays out on a regular basis:

Me: Hey, I know we agreed on noon, but I just wanted to let you know I’m going to be about ten minutes late.

Response: Oh that’s fine; don’t worry about it. How does 12:30 sound instead?

HOLD THE PHONE.

My cohort has made the terrible mistake of assuming that an additional thirty minutes will in some way assist in  procuring a timely arrival. Instead, what has happened, is my erroneous internal clock has been pushed back a half an hour.

^THIS IS NOT A SOLUTION. IT WILL ONLY INFURIATE YOU FURTHER.^

Wait, erronwhat? The cause of the delay I impose on all those forced to wait on me is brought upon by a simply incorrect internal clock. I spent some time (at least it felt like I did – hard to say, after all I am BROKEN) pondering the causes of such a situation, but all the events I thought up that could presumably cause my clock to run slow are all, well, let’s just say I am devoid of memories of the following:

1. Electric Shock such as from sticking a fork in an outlet could hypothetically have, at some point, left me clinically dead for 5-7 minutes and caused me to think it was actually that much earlier than it actually is. This is unlikely, as I would be telling this story every day. Maybe twice a day.
2. High Speed Travel, specifically at 88mph, in a DeLorean, could have moved me back in time several minutes and, again, caused me to be all bat-shit outta whack. This is also unlikely, as I would never ride in a DeLorean. Their flux capacitors are largely unsafe.
3. Universal Protection is a concept I’ve come up with, as a branch of the Law of Attraction (see below). The Law of Attraction states “thoughts become things” or that basically we have control over any and everything that happens to us. My idea of Universal Protection conceptualizes that the universe is making me late for everything to keep me on some sort of a “safer path” – that somehow being at all these places on time harbors some sort of unknown danger. This is unlikely and this whole idea is probably the result of a contact high at some point recently.

4. Sheer Laziness is one possibility I either refuse to accept or haven’t cared enough to give enough thought to, so I am going to throw this one out as well.
5. I was a fish in a previous life, and just haven’t caught back up yet.

As [un]likely as all of these wonderful thoughts are, there is one that I have yet to explore is the most startling and thought provoking concepts I’ve ever conceptualized: I was born late. I WAS BORN LATE. Talk about being behind the eight ball from day one. Jesus. I txt’d my mother on the issue as soon as the idea came to me. She’s not so good with the phone so it took awhile to finish the conversation (In retrospect, I’m sure we were both just sitting on the couch in our own houses, watching tv or something. I could have called her.) but the end result is as follows:

So, now that I have pinpointed the cause of my little life-long tardiness issue, the bigger question arises: how does one resolve such a deep-rooted problem?? Basically, I need to do one of two things:

1. Add another ten minutes at some point in time in my own life, while having the rest of the world remain the same.
2. Remove ten minutes of time from the rest of the world, and have my own life remain the same.

I finger there are probably some different options here, and in the time I have spent thinking of them, I’ve managed only to rule some of them out, such as:

• Waking up earlier/going to bed earlier. This accomplishes two undesireable things: leaves me pining for those ten minutes of sleep (to be found the next time I lay my head down — just pushing back my clock to where I started) and/or I simply drag ass all day and have lost those precious minutes of productivity over the course of my day.
• Eliminating work. What if I told YOU that you needed to get rid of ten minutes of your workload?? This will end up just biting me in the ass – be it hours or days later – it will get me back in the end.
• Eliminating leisure. This will just leave me unable to concentrate or effectively accomplish some other task along the course of my day, which will, again, put me back behind the eight ball.
• Drive faster. This idea is the most fraught with perilous possibilities of all I have concocted thus far. A few of the issues include:
  • Burning more gas, so having to pump sooner than expected.
  • Driving faster is stressful, so will require more food, sleep, and leisure time to counter it.
  • Pushing a vehicle harder requires a more frequent maintenance regiment – which means more time and more money.
  • I don’t think I could drive faster if I had do. Let’s be realistic here.

Where does this leave me? An identified problem with zero viable solutions in sight. Give it some thought and leave me some answers is in the comments. I’d like to experience an “on time lifestyle” and I know you will be the ones to reap the benefits.

Pete

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