Me: Hey, I know we agreed on noon, but I just wanted to let you know I’m going to be about ten minutes late.

Response: Oh that’s fine; don’t worry about it. How does 12:30 sound instead?

HOLD THE PHONE.

My cohort has made the terrible mistake of assuming that an additional thirty minutes will in some way assist in  procuring a timely arrival. Instead, what has happened, is my erroneous internal clock has been pushed back a half an hour.

^THIS IS NOT A SOLUTION. IT WILL ONLY INFURIATE YOU FURTHER.^

Wait, erronwhat? The cause of the delay I impose on all those forced to wait on me is brought upon by a simply incorrect internal clock. I spent some time (at least it felt like I did – hard to say, after all I am BROKEN) pondering the causes of such a situation, but all the events I thought up that could presumably cause my clock to run slow are all, well, let’s just say I am devoid of memories of the following:

1. Electric Shock such as from sticking a fork in an outlet could hypothetically have, at some point, left me clinically dead for 5-7 minutes and caused me to think it was actually that much earlier than it actually is. This is unlikely, as I would be telling this story every day. Maybe twice a day.
2. High Speed Travel, specifically at 88mph, in a DeLorean, could have moved me back in time several minutes and, again, caused me to be all bat-shit outta whack. This is also unlikely, as I would never ride in a DeLorean. Their flux capacitors are largely unsafe.
3. Universal Protection is a concept I’ve come up with, as a branch of the Law of Attraction (see below). The Law of Attraction states “thoughts become things” or that basically we have control over any and everything that happens to us. My idea of Universal Protection conceptualizes that the universe is making me late for everything to keep me on some sort of a “safer path” – that somehow being at all these places on time harbors some sort of unknown danger. This is unlikely and this whole idea is probably the result of a contact high at some point recently.

4. Sheer Laziness is one possibility I either refuse to accept or haven’t cared enough to give enough thought to, so I am going to throw this one out as well.
5. I was a fish in a previous life, and just haven’t caught back up yet.

As [un]likely as all of these wonderful thoughts are, there is one that I have yet to explore is the most startling and thought provoking concepts I’ve ever conceptualized: I was born late. I WAS BORN LATE. Talk about being behind the eight ball from day one. Jesus. I txt’d my mother on the issue as soon as the idea came to me. She’s not so good with the phone so it took awhile to finish the conversation (In retrospect, I’m sure we were both just sitting on the couch in our own houses, watching tv or something. I could have called her.) but the end result is as follows:

So, now that I have pinpointed the cause of my little life-long tardiness issue, the bigger question arises: how does one resolve such a deep-rooted problem?? Basically, I need to do one of two things:

1. Add another ten minutes at some point in time in my own life, while having the rest of the world remain the same.
2. Remove ten minutes of time from the rest of the world, and have my own life remain the same.

I finger there are probably some different options here, and in the time I have spent thinking of them, I’ve managed only to rule some of them out, such as:

• Waking up earlier/going to bed earlier. This accomplishes two undesireable things: leaves me pining for those ten minutes of sleep (to be found the next time I lay my head down — just pushing back my clock to where I started) and/or I simply drag ass all day and have lost those precious minutes of productivity over the course of my day.
• Eliminating work. What if I told YOU that you needed to get rid of ten minutes of your workload?? This will end up just biting me in the ass – be it hours or days later – it will get me back in the end.
• Eliminating leisure. This will just leave me unable to concentrate or effectively accomplish some other task along the course of my day, which will, again, put me back behind the eight ball.
• Drive faster. This idea is the most fraught with perilous possibilities of all I have concocted thus far. A few of the issues include:
  • Burning more gas, so having to pump sooner than expected.
  • Driving faster is stressful, so will require more food, sleep, and leisure time to counter it.
  • Pushing a vehicle harder requires a more frequent maintenance regiment – which means more time and more money.
  • I don’t think I could drive faster if I had do. Let’s be realistic here.

Where does this leave me? An identified problem with zero viable solutions in sight. Give it some thought and leave me some answers is in the comments. I’d like to experience an “on time lifestyle” and I know you will be the ones to reap the benefits.

Pete

]]> http://www.petewine.com/?feed=rss2&p=42 0 http://www.petewine.com/?p=38 http://www.petewine.com/?p=38#comments Fri, 15 Jan 2010 05:31:29 +0000 Pete http://www.petewine.com/?p=38 As I come to the completion of my undergraduate business degree, faults of years past are coming to haunt me as well as coming to bite me in the ass. Youth of today are forced upon a slippery slope of a two-headed monster.

The first head of our monster is realized at a young age, when the children of our society begin to reach maturity. This crucial time, years that should be spent in self-discovery and socialization, is spent instead in the pursuit of money. Employment at a young age, despite “building character” and “establishing a good work ethic” cripples young talent in the formative years and saps creative energy when it is needed most. Time spent pursuing money and not pursuing life destroys the beauty and purpose of living at all. What does all this lead to?

“I have no idea what I want to do with my life.”

I know what so many have said in response to this.

“It’s okay, no one knows what they want to do.”

And why, may I ask, is this so?

Because we allow it to be.

The majority of our society consists of enablers. Parents, teachers, politicians, and you and me – we collectively promote these faulty ideals of mobilizing our youths into employment for their good, our good, and the greater good.

* * *

The second head of this monster is a direct result of the first. We work ourselves into such exhaustion that (years later) when it comes time to declare a major in college, we have nothing to make such a decision on. These jobs we’ve worked – 90% of them, anyhow – are worked because “That’s the kind of thing someone your age does”. These jobs are mindless; they are not designed to prepare us for our futures – just for the future. Where does this leave us? It leaves us unprepared for the future, unaware of what untapped interests and talents to utilize, what goals to strive for, and what causes to support.

* * *

So what do I recommend?

Never compromise.

I often say:

“You can have anything you want

if you’re willing to give everything else up.”

We are guardians of the future of the world and the futures of our children and our children to be. We must, as a culture, ’sacrifice’ our lives of financial comfort at a young age in favor of long-term success and happiness. Life as a teenager should be spent learning to maintain low-stress lives of productivity, happiness, and service of one’s fellow man.

I’ll discuss this more at a later date, as I am intending to finally fire up this blog. Recent life changes have made me give some serious thought to what’s coming next – I will go more in depth on this tomorrow. It’s late.

Pete

People

While hardcore karaoke-ers can be found at karaoke nights alone or with a partner, I find my true joy in going out with a group of good friends. Having something that everyone can enjoy such as singing really makes an evening special and truly enjoyable. A well-executed karaoke night has the ability to bring people closer together.

Singing doesn’t have to be a game of solitaire – aside from solos, most karaoke companies offer a separate book or section of duets. What better way to express yourself to your lover (or lov-ah) by singing a nice romantic rendition of “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues” or “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”? Any song can make a great duet, so don’t stick to the “duets” section exclusively while looking for something for you and your wife or homeboy to sing. Any song with a solid chorus makes a great duet or trio- break up verses to different people and let the crowd join in singing the chorus.

Alcohol

Maybe this is an American thing, maybe it’s just me, but while I will sing without drinking, I won’t drink without singing. Wait, what? What I meant to say is there is a reason that both A) bars have karaoke nights, and B) a large number of them are the busiest nights of the week. Don’t be afraid to have a few drinks before singing. The more a karaoke-er consumes, generally, the more ridiculous and entertaining the song choices become.

Shots are a valid consideration. Liquid courage has the notable advantages of giving you the added push to get up on stage, but has the more physical advantage of opening up your airway (or maybe it’s just me). I, however, steer clear from straight liquor on karaoke night. Pick a rambunctious song and you’ll soon discover the side effects of liquor sloshing around inside of your stomach while jumping around and singing at the top of your lungs like an idiot.

The Song

People and booze aside, the key point in this entire experience is choosing the right song. Just because you love a song does not mean it is the right song for you to sing. I love me some Elvis, but I sound like an idiot trying to sing… well, any of his songs. On the other hand, I have the right range and vocal dexterity to just kill a Jason Mraz track or two. Pick a song that you would sing in the shower or along with in the car. Never have someone just “pick a song” for you. Despite being “the best effing singer in the bar”, if you don’t like a song, it will show.

Your individual singing abilities aside, there are some songs that should never be sung in a bar. I don’t know anyone who goes to the bar to take a nap, so do everyone a favor and do not sing anything that will rock them to sleep. When picking out songs, think to yourself – “Would I play this at a party?” and followed up by “Would I get my ass kicked for playing this at a party?”

It’s okay to be ridiculous. Guys – sing “It’s Raining Men” or “I Feel Like a Woman”. Ladies – sing “She Think’s My Tractor’s Sexy” or “Pussy Control”. Bar karaoke is wonderful as it creates an environment for irony and for people to act in ways that would normally be socially irregular. See that blonde sitting at the end of the bar? Thinking about buying her a drink and striking up a conversation? Ditch that plan, put your suave, sarcastic face on and sing “Strangers in the Night” in your best Sinatra impression. I bet she’ll buy you a drink.

All that aside, you’re there to have a good time. Sing a song you enjoy.

Selections

Beach Boys – Little Old Lady from Pasadena
Particularly humorous sung by a ‘big guy’.

Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart
” ‘Cause I fucking need you more than ever…”

Cake – I Will Survive
Up-to-date version of the original. Brilliant.

Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On
Envision Will Ferrell singing this – and run with it.

Geri Halliwell – It’s Raining Men
Classic drunk song – for men or women.

Grease – Summer Love
I hate this song, but it’s a great easy duet nonetheless.

Jefferson Starship – We Built This City (On Rock & Roll)
Everyone likes to think they personally built a city. On rock & roll.

Jimmy Buffet – Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw
Odds are, if you’re in a karaoke bar… Additionally, most Buffet tunes make great karaoke.

Journey – Don’t Stop Believing
One of my personal favorites and one hell of a good group karaoke song.

Sir Mix-a-Lot – I like Big Butts
It’s OK if you’re ‘that guy’ that feels the need to sing this one.

Toby Keith – I Love This Bar
You may get booed. Hold your ground.

Pete

Is there anything you particularly enjoy rocking out? Comment it up.

Expect a new layout as well as authentic, interestingly original content next few weeks. Upcoming posts and miniseries include:

• Guide to beerpong tables and gameplay
• Baller on a budget luxury sedans and sports cars
• Recession-immune employment
• Expert guide to karaoke
• Super in-depth analysis of community college vs university
• College options for open-source textbooks (FREE!)
• A daily Good Life “phrase of the day”

Personal knowledge, experience and research are all vital ingredients in effective blogging, but I am also deeply interested in consulting and interviewing those with useful knowledge on any of these topics and more. Feel free to contact me through via any of the means listed on the contact link found above this post.

Pete